Welcome to Minion’s, Inc.#21: Are you the bully of your school? Or the even the victim of bullying? Do you watch movies about costumed heroes and think, "Wow, that guy's a pussy. I sure hope a much cooler bad guy kicks his ass."?
#24: (unconvincingly) Wow, it's like you were reading my mind.
#21: I am not a mind reader, stranger. You, like so many others, are drawn to this sexy, action-packed lifestyle of the professional henchman.
#24: But I could never be a henchman. I am just a normal guy who is between the age of 18 and 30. A loner and lacks ties to friends and family.
#21: You, stranger, are the perfect candidate for costumed aggression.
--Venture Bros. "Hate Floats"
Thank you for choosing Minions, Inc. We are a placement firm for individuals looking for something a little different. Minions, Inc. matches people with a flexible moral code with employers who are looking to provide more than just a job. Welcome to the first day of the rest of your life. It will never be the same.Ok, here’s the deal. That text in black is the marketing material that is distributed to the “Employer’s.” If you want the real deal, then you need to listen to me.
The Pitch: Why Join Minions, Inc.
Let’s be honest. You didn’t decide to become a minion because you were looking to play it safe. It takes a special kind of person to make it in this field. Being a minion is a little being a military contractor, but without the moral ambiguity. The stakes are high, but the rewards are worth it. We will teach your important Joining the ranks of “costumed aggression” is a great gig as long as you learn the rules and keep your wits about you. Remember, you are working for yourself. "Employers" come and go, but the job remains the same. Stay alive. Earn a living. Have fun. Everything else is bonus.
In the world of costumed aggression, there are people with the drive and the desire to be Villains. They have a vision or a burning need to accomplish some grandiose plan. Then there are the people who actually make it happen. That would be you.While you’re not a "good guy", letting the Employer succeed at destroying the world is not a good idea. Where else are you going to keep all of your stuff?
This is a dangerous profession. Your employer is probably unstable. The people sent to stop him barely consider killing minions to be murder. Finally, some of the stuff that you will be asked to do is just downright dangerous. But let me ask you this. Have you fired a giant laser beam? Have you ever piloted a robot ninja? Do you want to? That’s what I thought.Dangerous. Yeah, no kidding. Job #1 is don't die. You will learn to duck blame, pass along failure, and even fake your own death. You are basically meat behind a mask. If you can avoid being kill “on screen”, then you will probably be ok.Now let’s take a moment to learn about your new co-workers.
The Employer (aka the Villain)
At the top of the food chain is your actual employer. This individual will have a strong sense of who they are and what they are trying to accomplish. These are remarkable individuals who possess something that makes them stand apart. Your job is to keep them happy by assisting them in any way possible. As long as you are able to fulfill your Employer’s wishes, you will enjoy a long and prosperous career. Fail them and … well … don’t fail them. This “individual” is often a sociopath or power mad dictator. They are too smart, too rich, or too powerful for their own good. The good news is that they are easily distractible and they usually feel better once they kill someone. Fortunately, it rarely needs to be the right person.
In addition to his own abilities, he usually has a cadre of highly trained personal guards. They are loyal to him and they enforce his will without question. Identify them by their uniforms. They look like yours, but cooler.These guys take their job very seriously. They don’t like you and they don’t care about you. Woe to the minion who is sent on a mission with them. The Employer’s Minions
The Trusted Advisors
The Trusted Advisor may be the Employer’s Vizier, General, Spouse, Advising Spirit from the Nether Realm or the architect of their dreams for world domination. What you need to know is that when they speak, you should act like it is coming directly from your Employer. These individuals are quite talented, but, for whatever reason, they have not chosen to become an Employer… yet. You’ve got to watch out for these guys. They are just one step away from being a Villain themselves. Keep on their good side, but remember, when you fail, you may be able to get them to take the fall. Oh, and don’t forget. One of them is almost guaranteed to betray your “employer.” You have been warned.The Elite
These are hired guns with specific skill sets. This group typically includes individuals of some renown. They includes infamous cat burglars, viscious mercs, mysterious assassains, and the like. These individuals are quite expensive to hire and they tend to attract the notice of the various “enforcement” agencies fairly quickly. If you have to go toe to toe with an “Enforcer”, you better have one of the Elite on your side or it is going to be a short and bloody fight.These are the hatchet men. They are good at one thing and man are they good at it. They can face the hero and not just be killed. They do the real work and see you as fodder. They don’t make friends and they don’t make good allies.Henchmen
These are the most able bodied of the employees. They are either given specific tasks to achieve and they are responsible for important duties around the lair. Henchmen are affordable, competent, and expendable. If you can succeed as a Henchman, then you can look forward to a long a profitable career.If you are lucky, this is you. This is the sweet spot of costumed aggression. You get the most paycheck for the least risk. You know what you are doing and you are not willing to die for your cause. Enjoy it.Minions, Grunts, Mooks, Drones, Goons, etc …
These are the poor schmucks that keep everything up and running. They support the henchmen in the field. They keep the lair up and running. They are the backbone of the entire operation. These poor fuckers don’t have any idea what they are in for. They are little better than trained monkeys and cannon fodder. But hey, someone has to clean up the minion corpses.